Sunday, March 28, 2010

Being Mad in March

If you are a college basketball fan the end of March can’t come fast enough each year. March Madness has become a brand identity for the three week period when 64 of the nation’s best men’s teams play in their version of a national championship tournament. Even casual fans are lured into the office pool or find themselves cheering for an underdog team to win the big prize. It is a time of annual “madness” when the expected and unexpected collide to entertain and frustrate us. But that isn’t what I’m going to write about in this week’s post.

The madness in my title isn’t referring to the rabid passions of a committed basketball fan. Instead I want to invite conversation about another kind of “mad”, the primary emotion we know as anger. There seems to be plenty of this “madness” to go around these days. People are angry about lots of things – from joblessness to the Iraq war, from free speech to health care reform. The rhetoric and partisan language of our current political debate only serves to ignite this emotion even further.

As a leader you already know how dangerous anger can be. While the basic premise of anger may have some merit – indignation over what is unjust or shameful comes to mind – it is generally associated with actions that result in far less worthy endeavors. These may include everything from feelings of frustration or hostility to a violent loss of self-control manifested in rage and destructive behavior. Workplaces are known to harbor various degrees of anger among employees, within teams, and between management and the rank and file. Every era has seen its share of madness gone awry as deep-seeded emotions give way to aberrant behavior. Death, disability, and emotional trauma are the result of madness left unchecked.

Arrogance is anger in disguise and leaders may find this form of anger to be their greatest enemy. Because arrogance is often buried deep within our psyche we may fail to acknowledge or recognize its inherent dangers. Arrogant people are more controlled in their responses so it is hard to detect the level of hostility behind a cold glare or a deeply clenched jaw line. Leaders are often tempted by ego; arrogance seizes this agenda quickly and with a vengeance.

Egocentric leaders have a need to appear bigger and stronger in order to seem in control. The slightest of wounds is taken as a severe threat so these leaders often go on the attack in order to protect their insecure self-image. Anger-driven arrogance may attack others through blistering criticism to deflect attention from the leader’s own imperfections.

Unfortunately the level of anger has become more intense in recent months. The economic malaise, anxiety over mounting government debt, job losses, home foreclosures, and the recent highly partisan health care debate are pushing reasonable people to the brink. Leaders in these times would do well to understand how their own disguised anger may be fueling the madness in others. Last fall my need for a tidy landscape brought me face-to-face with a nest of yellow jackets that cared little for my worthy goal and instead punished me soundly with a ruthless attack that left me sore for days. It doesn’t pay to make bees mad and humans are no different.

Controlling anger is like trying to slow a runaway train with a toothpick. We need to understand what caused the train to lose control in the first place. Leaders would do well to be more introspective and honest about the many ways we hide our anger. Then we must show others how to love and extend grace, creating a workplace where giving supersedes winning. Leaders must learn how to stop the madness (in March and every other month of the year).

Sunday, March 21, 2010

The Value of Friendship

This week my blog posting will take a different turn. On Wednesday, March 17, 2010 one of my dearest friends and mentors, Sam Derstine, passed away at the age of 89. I have been invited by his family to share a few thoughts at his memorial service planned for Tuesday, March 23. The following is my tribute to his friendship. I hope you will find it inspiring for your own relationships and wish that each of you might find a special friend like Sam in your life.

How would you define friendship? Is it simply sharing things in common with another person? Using that criteria one could make the case that Sam and I were friends because we both enjoyed early morning walks, baseball, and Wawa coffee. We have each owned a business, each chaired our Salford church board, and each taught the same Sunday school class. We both have enjoyed a healthy marriage and the joy of having children. In recent years Sam even grew whiskers, although I don’t think it was so he could emulate mine.

It’s good to know that two persons separated in age by more than 34 years could have so many common interests. But that is not what made our friendship special. In fact, if we are honest with ourselves, friendships don’t last because we share the passions or pursuits of another person. The relationships we cherish most grow out of shared pain and steadfast faithfulness. They take root in vulnerability and unconditional love. They grow because needs are met at their deepest level.

The Greek philosopher, Aristotle, wrote that “friendship is a single soul dwelling in two bodies.” In the ten years that I spent visiting Sam on Tuesday’s after work our souls became one. Each hourly visit had a gentle rhythm. We would catch up on the activities from the day or previous week — family happenings, church news, Sunday school class updates, weather, or baseball. It wasn’t long before the conversations turned deeper — the pain of loss, anxiety and feelings of depression, regrets and disappointments. We were there for each other in those times, sharing the pain and touching the wounds without judgment or advice. Each visit would close with a devotional reading and prayer. Sam would often recall a verse of song that fit the text and serenade me. In our most recent visits I invited him to pray the Lord’s Prayer with me, something he did with clarity and commitment.

Sam’s passing will leave a gap in my life and schedule — much bigger than the hour I committed to those weekly visits. I have lost my most faithful prayer companion, a steady encourager, and a wonderful mentor.

Yet I rejoice that he also left me with many memories to cherish and life lessons to implement. Sam taught me how to deal with the pain of losses, big and small. I learned how to grow old with grace and dignity. He left me with a new appreciation for the hymns of our faith and how they can encourage us at every stage of life. Sam gave me hope for a better future in heaven, a place he looked forward to and talked often about.

It’s hard to say why God chose to bring us together and whether I will ever have another friend that means so much to me. I can only thank Sam for the happiness, strength, and understanding that remain from our friendship. These gifts will sustain me in this world that has been forever altered by his passing. It seems fitting that on a Tuesday night I’m paying one last weekly visit to my dear friend. I love you Sam!

Sunday, March 14, 2010

A Pain in the Neck

Those who read this blog regularly know I sometimes struggle with back and neck pain. The trauma of a barn roof fall in the mid-1970’s is now haunting me as I grow older. Usually my response to the symptoms when they appear is to stubbornly resist a visit to the doctor, pop a few pain killers, and live with the discomfort until the ache fades a few days later. This time I was forced to take a different approach and therein lies a lesson or two.

It is twelve days and counting since I woke with a sore muscle just below my neck. The initial symptoms presented as tension or stress related so I followed my usual prescription for treatment and expected things to get better soon. No such luck! The next day a stabbing sensation in my spinal cord had replaced the initial pain and by the weekend I was experiencing numbness in the fingers of my left hand. It was time to seek some medical advice.

Acting on the recommendations of several friends I called the office of Dr. Dave, a local chiropractor whom they described as the only person that could alleviate their own neck and back pain. Later that day I received my first of several treatments to correct a number of anomalies in my spinal column revealed by the X-rays he took during that initial visit. While his adjustments have improved my condition it looks like I may be dealing with some level of discomfort for at least a few more days.

So why write about all this in a venue known for leadership advice and conversation? To begin with, many of today’s workplaces are struggling with the pain of poor management and stressful relationships. Like my neck pain, these conditions are only symptoms of more systemic problems. Left undiagnosed and untreated these issues will eventually work their way to the surface where they can soon debilitate the team’s ability to function effectively. Ignoring reality won’t heal the hurts or treat the root causes.

Leaders may need assistance from outside resources to diagnose the places where stressors are present and offer advice on possible treatment options. As Dr. Dave began the process of training my nerves and spinal components to work together normally the pain seemed to increase or move to other locations. It was discouraging not to sense immediate and lasting relief. Your team may need to face their differences, acknowledge unmet needs, and confess repressed feelings in order to change their abnormal patterns of behavior. It will require courage and trust to engage in this process and that will likely be painful.

We sometimes underestimate the discipline and hard work that creates a healthy workplace environment and fosters productive teams. While I’m not exactly enjoying my trips to visit Dr. Dave, I know a treatment plan and my willingness to stick with it will keep the pain in my neck from reoccurring. Swallowing pills and enduring the ache only masks the untreated root causes. Leaders may also prefer to simply treat the symptoms but, if they do, that occasional “neck pain” may eventually become a chronic, devastating problem that will cripple the organization or affected team.

What problems are you denying? Where is your team experiencing pain or stress? Is there a Dr. Dave you could call for help? Might the real “pain in the neck” be you? Ouch, that hurt didn’t it?

Sunday, March 7, 2010

Running Away

The biblical story of Jonah is a “whale of tale” about a man called to be a prophetic voice but whose instincts are to get as far away as possible from his appointed calling. Liberal scholars doubt this story ever took place. Marine biologists’ dispute that any current marine mammal could manage to swallow a man whole as the narrative suggests. Others believe the character is an historical figure whose unlikely journey actually happened. I’m not writing to defend or debate any of these arguments.

Instead I want to consider what might cause leaders to run from the very things they know to be right – actions that will inspire and encourage others. Even if one doesn’t accept the veracity of Jonah’s story it is still possible to empathize with the dilemma he faced. Most of us have confronted tough decisions or invitations that invite us to pause and consider the potential consequences. Like Jonah, the task at hand may be overwhelming or downright unpleasant. How does a leader discern an appropriate course of action? When is our impulse to escape more palatable than tasting the sweet nectar of victory or swallowing the bitter pill of defeat?

Jonah immediately turned tail and ran. He tried to escape responsibility, rejecting the task at hand for a cruise to a safer place where the mantle of leadership could be exchanged for a beach towel and lotion. It is always easier to flee than fight. But it rarely solves the problem or makes us feel better about ourselves. Jonah faced a powerful storm, three days in the “belly of a giant fish”, and the knowledge that his assignment was still waiting for him in the end. It is often the same for us. Leaders who run from our current reality or future calling may experience psychological tempests, confusion, and potential depression.

When I considered moving my family from our hometown in central Pennsylvania to a new community near Philadelphia in 1986, there was a strong urge to run away from the calling. What if the job wasn’t a good fit after all? Suppose I wasn’t accepted by the community? If my wife and son couldn’t adjust to the changes, what would I do then? Self-doubt and fear of the unknown make escaping seem like a plausible option. It takes courage to face these obstacles and do what we know is right, even when the outcome is unclear.

Leaders may also misinterpret a call or confront a difficult challenge for the wrong reasons. The current health care debate would be more constructive if reform was the stated purpose rather than a government takeover of the current system. Leaders who misread the problem or ignore the wishes of those they serve will always face opposition. Their peril is self-inflicted and abandoning their plan might actually be necessary to regain credibility as a leader.

Jonah chose to run because he didn’t like the task and tried to ignore the calling. Like us, he weighed the personal costs and felt overwhelmed by the odds. Running away often seems to make the most sense. It offers fewer risks and protects us from the personal inadequacies we feel about the work before us. But running away also prevents personal growth, denies the presence and power of God, and assumes we know what’s best about the future. The world needs leaders to be authentic and truthful, willing to create opportunities for hope and forgiveness. Running away won’t fulfill that need, plus you’ll need quite a few pairs of sneakers for the journey.