Being Dad

Regular readers of my blog hopefully noticed I missed a posting last week to spend the weekend with our adult son in Pittsburgh celebrating Father’s Day. It was a special time for both of us as we enjoyed attending three baseball games at PNC Park, eating some great food, watching a movie, and sharing conversations on a variety of subjects. I am so proud of the way our son has grown into a responsible and mature adult.

Today there are many families where dads are conspicuously absent and our society and culture is paying a severe price for this lapse in family leadership. Where does a boy learn how to be a man when his father may have abandoned him as a child? How can that same boy learn respect, love, and responsibility if there isn’t a male role model in his home? Of course there are plenty of examples where dad is present and treats his wife and children with disrespect or even abuse. Nether of these scenarios is the ideal image of fatherhood as designed by God.

As I enjoyed spending time with my son I also wondered what legacy I am leaving for him to learn from and pass on. When Rembrandt painted his famous interpretation of the biblical story of the return of the prodigal son he placed the father in the physical center of the painting. It was his attempt to focus attention on the important role of the father in this story of greed, selfishness, and rebellion by a younger son. Many of us who know this story long to be loved and forgiven the way the younger son was, even after he had squandered his father’s inheritance and lived a wild and raucous lifestyle. Others prefer to jealously resent the attention given to a younger sibling and angrily denounce our father for not appreciating our loyalty.

But who wants to be the father, or should I say, like this father? Here is a man who grieved the pain his wayward son caused him, who shed tears in his absence, who never lost hope that he might someday return home. Our legacy as fathers is to model compassion, to prepare our hearts to receive our children wherever their journeys may take them, and forgive them from the heart. The forgiveness modeled by this father was unconditional - no apologies were needed, no excuses offered. The father isn’t looking for some indication that his son now realizes his mistake and is admitting to his dad “You were right after all.” Instead the father is generous - generous by giving his departing son what he asks for, generous in offering a welcome home celebration upon his return, and even generous with his resentful eldest son.

It’s humbling to consider offering a similar legacy to my son. There is a certain level of emptiness when our children, regardless of age, disappoint us. It is hard to be at home waiting for them to find their way. Yet fathers (and mothers) must model compassion in our grief, forgiveness in our disappointment, and generosity that is extended without strings attached. When we behave in this way our sons and daughters will have a legacy of love to sustain them and to pass on.

It may be a week since we celebrated Father’s Day but I’m still grateful for the memories shared with my son. More than that, I am reminded how much I still have to learn about being a “prodigal dad”!

Stand Back

In my younger days I shared responsibility at my church in central Pennsylvania for leading our youth group, along with my wife and another couple. We developed an annual tradition of taking the group backpacking for a weekend on the many trails that dot the mountainous regions in that part of the state. These trips were wonderful learning experiences as we battled the elements, insects, snakes, animals, and our own physical limitations to accomplish the goal of hiking up to thirty miles over a three-day period.

One of the more interesting leadership phenomenon’s that occurred with regularity on these excursions was what happened as we decided who would lead the crowd of hikers (sometimes numbering up to thirty people) through the woods. As one might expect, the initial stages of any trip were led by the young men in our group, anxious to prove their physical prowess. They often established a brisk pace with limited pauses for rest. The adult leaders would sometimes need to intervene and slow the tempo so our group didn’t get too dispersed along the trail. But that’s not the experience I observed as remarkable. Anyone with initiative and a willingness to take risks can lead under these circumstances.

What I found valuable as a leadership lesson was our decision that required everyone to take a turn in the lead position. Regardless of gender, hiking experience, or level of fatigue, when anyone assumed the top spot blazing a trail for everyone else something amazing happened. These newly appointed leaders often seemed to gain new energy, confidence, and courage. I watched young women who were afraid of snakes lead the group across rocky portions of the trail, known homes to rattlesnake dens. Tired individuals who had been lagging behind in previous sections of the hike seemed to gain a second wind as they pushed forward up the mountain. Confident and competitive leaders learned to contentedly follow their peers, often with words of encouragement and support.

This unscientific study in leadership behavior came to mind this week as I found myself stressed with an overloaded schedule and several tight project deadlines. In times like these it is hard for most of us to stand back and lets others take their turn as leaders. We can muster an impressive list of excuses and smugly decide we know best how to navigate the trail. This behavior does little to inspire those who follow us. If all they see is the back of our hiking boots slogging along the path they will miss a breathtaking view of the wilderness or be the first to spot wildlife ahead. In a business environment those same perspectives could mean a limited outlook or a missed opportunity.

By standing back we send a message that “I trust your judgment and intuition”; “I have confidence in your ability and appreciate your gifts.” It’s a subtle message that leaders need to give whether on a hiking trail or navigating the uncertainties of today’s business environment. It’s a lesson I wish our federal government could learn in its response to the Gulf oil spill. The local governments, experienced businesspersons, and concerned citizens along the gulf coast know their beaches, marshes, wetlands, and industries better than any Beltway bureaucrat. Hamstrung by red tape, limited or no communication, and competing interests, the very people who should be at the front of the trail find themselves staring sadly at the back of someone else's boots; likely someone with no familiarity about the path or where it’s headed.

So, the next time you are tempted to hit the trail ahead of your team, pause and allow yourself the pleasure of standing back so others have a turn up front. Remember, there will soon be opportunities for you to take the lead again. By letting go, as hard as this can be, you may learn the most about yourself and others. So stand back!

The Lies Have It

I’m a fan of the Fox Network show “Lie to me” now entering its second season. It’s a drama series based on the scientific discoveries of a real-life psychologist who reads embedded clues from the human faces, bodies, and voices of those accused of a crime or otherwise attempting to shade or hide some truth. The main character, Dr. Cal Lightman, uses his abilities to read these invisible clues and spot the lie. It may be as simple as a shoulder shrug or a pursed lip that reveals the secret. While Dr. Lightman is highly regarded by his professional peers for possessing this extraordinary ability, his family and friends aren’t always as accepting of his power to uncover deception.

I confess that what seems obvious to a trained professional is often oblivious to me, whether at work or in my personal life. Sometimes I wonder what my own face reveals when I shade the truth. While lying is something we all struggle with, I was recently disturbed to discover a connection between powerful people and a propensity to make better liars. In the May 2010 issue of Harvard Business Review, Dana Carney, associate professor at the Columbia University Graduate School of Business, presents the results of a study that found a connection between powerful people and lying. It seems that when a research subject is put into a position of power he or she become more adept at telling lies. Even professionals trained to spot the telltale signs of lying found it harder to tell when these persons were being untruthful.

If this study is accurate then the business, political, sports, religious, and entertainment arenas may already be populated with powerful figures using their roles and positions to promulgate lies. We already know some of these persons who have been caught in their lies – Presidents Nixon and Clinton, baseball star Alex Rodriquez, cyclist Floyd Landis, and businessman Bernard Madoff come to mind. Are we encouraging people to lie in order to become more powerful or does the lying happen because someone attains a position or role that offers unfettered power? The research wasn’t designed to detect whether lying improves when power is acquired or if adept lying skills lead to more powerful positions. Either scenario makes me uncomfortable.

Since most of us aren’t trained professionals who know how to detect the signs of lying then it makes sense to defuse this threat by creating environments where truth-telling is encouraged and rewarded. Leaders would do well to recognize and resist the temptation to lie as they move up the corporate, political, or social ladder. Otherwise, our worst nightmares may become everyday occurrences as bosses, civil servants, and even church leaders take advantage of their power to distort the truth. I pray we aren’t already there.