Permission to Say “No”

I must confess that I love the word Yes. It has been one of the ways I measure personal and business success. I am needed, I am valued, I am important—these are the messages that tend to occupy my thinking when I am agreeing to help someone or take on a new project. Marketers count on people like me to read their latest offer or accept their invitation to buy more stuff. Today’s modern advances in technology put me just one mouse click away from information I might need, products to make my life better, or opportunities to change the world where I live. There is a sense of pride that feeds my ego and keeps me on this treadmill—doing more and saying, “yes” once again.

Leaders are especially vulnerable in a culture that seems to worship the word Yes. Regardless of education, background, experience, or position many of us have been hardwired to believe that yes is the only option. Multi-tasking is held up as a symbol of efficiency and effectiveness. Mastering the latest digital inventions and keeping in touch from remote locations (even while on vacation) is expected behavior. Serving on not-for-profit boards and community involvement is the measure of one’s impact and influence.

But, could the promises that accompany these invitations to say yes be built on a faulty premise? Is there a price to pay for over consumption, over commitment, and over working? While I think the answer is obvious, let me make a case of saying no, at least some of the time.

As I get older my perspectives are changing. Chasing the dream seems less glamorous and more tiring. This makes it somewhat easier to limit my personal consumption and be more content. I say somewhat easier because the temptation to keep up appearances and have the latest and greatest will always be part of a capitalist, free-market society. When we intentionally limit our consumerism we take one small step toward freedom from the word Yes.

The choices that confront leaders every day are rarely between noble good and abject evil. Most of our decisions involve choosing between good things or better things and here is where a conscious leader must use prayerful discernment. It is easier to say no to addictive behaviors or illegal activities than to pass up a promotion so you can spend more time with your family.

One of the toughest no’s a leader faces is the honest assessment he or she must eventually make when gazing in the mirror, “I’m really not that important.” The Psalmist writes, “The Lord is my chosen portion and my cup; you hold my lot. The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; I have a goodly heritage.” (Psalm 16:5-6) Here is a contented leader; a person that has accepted his role and is free from the pressures of ego or meeting other’s expectations.

For some leaders saying no is viewed as an opportunity to vent or make the other party feel guilty for asking in the first place. I confess my own fears that a relationship may be lost or a client disappointed if I place limits on myself. That is why we must learn to say no graciously and in a way that honors the person who is making the request.

Barbara Brown Taylor writes, “Learning to say no is how we clear space for a few carefully planted yeses to grow.” How might you and I put this wisdom into practice? What are the yeses waiting in your life? Will you have the courage to say no enough times so these possibilities can blossom and flourish? Instead of mighty plans and vision, perhaps leaders need to accept the reality that God meets us in small places. Saying no may be easier from this perspective.