Control or No?

My previous blog post recounted some of the events experienced and lessons learned from a recent hospital stay. Perhaps the most difficult challenge these past two weeks has been my struggle to cede control. Anyone who knows me well is familiar with my version of this theme. Perhaps it is my birth order (the oldest sibling) or my behavioral style (high CD meaning conscientiousness and dominance) that drives this need. Whatever the root cause, I like to know that everything in my life and work environment is structured and designed for optimum productivity and efficiency.

Health issues have a way of thwarting these plans in ways that are hard to accept. When I missed a day of work for my unexpected illness everything seemed so manageable, so controllable. A day later I was being admitted to the hospital for an undetermined length of time and suddenly the anxiety of having limited or no influence over my circumstances became my new reality. It was a tough pill to swallow.

What did I do to cope with my plight? How did I placate my need to direct and influence? Did I learn anything about myself during this two week trip into uncharted waters? I must admit that some of these lessons are easier to share than others. Perhaps some of my readers can relate to the challenges I faced and the courage it will take to alter my personal and professional life.

First, I discovered that ego plays a role in my need for control. My self-image is largely shaped by the work I do and how it is perceived by others. While this is not a new revelation, it affected my willingness to cancel appointments and give myself adequate time to recover from my illness and surgery. Those initial emails and phone calls felt like I was making excuses for failing to execute as promised. Of course my clients and colleagues were more than willing to reschedule appointments or class sessions without any hint of disappointment or recrimination. Everyone simply expressed their concern for my well-being and encouraged me to call them back when I was well again. Can I learn from this simple act of kindness that control of my schedule is largely driven by my own desires and not the needs of others?

Second, I was reminded by my physical limitations that control isn’t always within my bounds. Even a part-time work schedule last week proved more punishing that I had expected and taught me the importance of listening to my body and the sound advice of health professionals. As my strength returns, and I once again attempt to exert control, will I still pay attention to those obvious and illusive signs of stress that accompany such behavior? Will I willingly acknowledge limitations and accept advice from friends and colleagues?

The past two weeks have shown me what life is like when circumstances dictate a course that thwarts my need for control. Yes, it was frustrating at times. Yes, I grew impatient and restless as I knew I would. No, my business and personal life did not end or even suffer too badly. Obviously, a longer time period would have changed all that but, even if that had occurred, I could have learned to cope and adjust. I’m grateful for a chance to develop some new habits and practices as a result of this experience. Mostly I’m wondering why leaders cling so tightly to their need for control and praying that more of us will learn how to loosen our grip.