Beyond Regret

Since 2007 a website blog titled Secret Regrets™ (found at www.secretregrets.com) has been offering a digital space for persons to post the biggest regret of their life; a place to share the one thing they would change if they had a second chance. The site has generated plenty of discussion since then and some of the posts and subsequent comments were published in 2010 as a book titled “Secret Regrets - What if you had a Second Chance?” written by Kevin Hansen, who also launched the original blog.

As you might expect, the site contains many confessions from persons who simply made poor choices or hurt a loved one. The blog’s disclaimer makes it clear they are not offering professional advice to anyone who shares their story, yet many of the site’s visitors do offer comments about the daily secret regret (the site urges posting only supportive and helpful ones). Given the volume of postings and responses it is obvious many of us have regrets about our lives and long for emotional and spiritual healing.

The workplace and marketplace provide many occasions to make decisions or engage in behaviors and conversations that leaders may regret. Since no one is perfect the scale is tipped toward acting badly at some point each day. While I find the idea of anonymously sharing one’s regret with complete strangers somewhat intriguing (and perhaps even cathartic), what happens after this virtual confession? How does anyone, including leaders, move beyond the regret to create a new reality?

In recent weeks I have encountered professional and personal experiences where regret has played a significant role. The conversations have often focused around the need to move on but the process isn’t always easy. Guilt and shame can sap one’s energy and divert one’s thinking from what could be to what could have been. There is little to be gained by living in the past or allowing those memories to distort one’s view of the future. Forgiveness certainly plays a role in this recovery process but so does a willingness to acknowledge some positives and lessons learned from the very situations that are causing the feelings of regret.

Leaders who model healthy perspectives about past regrets will encourage their colleagues and direct reports to do the same. Keep your situation in perspective by sharing your stories, seeking forgiveness or making amends when necessary, and learning how to be an empathic listener to the regrets others may need to express. The second chances we all desire shouldn’t be relegated to a blog website or confined to a therapist’s couch. Imagine a workplace where past mistakes can be redeemed, where stories of regret can become teaching tools, and where judgment is replaced with love and acceptance? Leaders who believe in the power of second chances will help their employees to accept what cannot be changed and learn to love life as it happens, not as you would wish it to be.