The Art of Apologizing

We all do it. Whether we like it or not, or care to acknowledge it when it happens, we all make mistakes. Some are quite small and others; well let’s just say they’re too big to hide. Seems like with all this practice at making mistakes we should know how to manage the aftermath; you know, pick up the pieces, solve the problem, make it right. If only it were that easy.

Perhaps it’s our human nature to avoid responsibility. As children we soon learn that pointing the finger at our siblings can sometimes get us off the hook. The blame game is easier to play than facing the truth. Even seasoned leaders and managers are tempted to be less than forthright when caught in the inevitable misstep that comes from being human. We can duck the issue for a while but eventually it will catch up with us.

I often write about the importance of authenticity, a form of personal accountability that agrees to be transparent in thoughts, words, and deeds. So acknowledging mistakes seems built into this practice and should be the first step we take when our actions or in-actions have caused harm to someone. Yet, too often our apologies sound more like an excuse. “I’m so sorry you feel that way,” fails to acknowledge your culpability. While you may indeed feel sorry for them, most customers or co-workers don’t want our pity during a time of crisis. They would rather hear you accept responsibility and move quickly to fix the problem or repair the relationship.

A better approach would be to say, “I really messed up with that delivery schedule [or you fill in the issue] and I’m truly sorry about that. I’m anxious to make this right and here’s how I’m going to do that.” Instead of dwelling on whatever happened to cause the initial problem, focus your energies on correcting the situation so the employee or customer knows you recognize how important your relationship really is. If the other person is across town or around the world, consider having a face-to-face meeting with them. There is no substitute for human contact, especially if the breach of trust was substantial or the potential for fallout is high.

Your apology should feel like a genuine conversation not a prepared presentation or scripted dialogue. Look them in the eye, smile and send the other person a clear message that you are present with them in this tough issue. Listen to any concerns that may surface even while you are in the process of making everything right. Customers and employees need to sense your humility is genuine, not forced. A warm, sincere apology could mean the difference between retaining a valued customer and losing their business forever.

In today’s volatile marketplace the most significant competitive edge leaders possess is themselves, their own emotional intelligence. When mistakes happen, and you know they will, it could be the power of your apology that saves the day.